Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize