oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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