we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
