My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
