Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
