well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
