Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
