made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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