You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
it's like heaven, but drunker
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
