i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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