i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
