After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
