She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
