I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize