It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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