i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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