If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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