Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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