you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
