seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
