dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
