Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
