FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
