You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
