How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize