The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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