I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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