get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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