when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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