I just pynch a tree in the face
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
