i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
