Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
