You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
