i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
