my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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