i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
