So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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