just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
