i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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