we have pet lesbian snakes
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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