i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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