do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize