I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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