Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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