Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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