If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
