my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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