Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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