I didn't shave. On purpose
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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