Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
