I wish life had little blips of pornography
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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