someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize