She is in my trunk
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you inspire me to be a worse person
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
